my life as a artist
power to the people
Thursday 1st January 2009 10:24 PM
This week me and Mark the farmer have been putting the finishing touches to a free-energy machine that we've built in the field next door to Jimmy the donkey and Molly the pony. It's a two-hundred-foot tall wooden tower supporting a fifty-five ton copper dome, and it's got iron legs that penetrate 300 feet underground. Farmers aren't often given to whimsical fancies, and when they build structures like barns and chicken coops, form usually follows function, so typically we've made no attempt to disguise the fact that it looks like a huge tumescent phallus rising from an apparently green pubis. There was a guy from the council sniffing round, who had an obvious and unsavoury interest in unauthorised erections, but Mark put him off the scent by telling him it was a very rare-breed chicken coop.
We found most of the stuff we needed to build it at the scrap-yard in Murton, and my Mum got the fifty-five ton copper dome in an all-in deal with some 'Friends' videos and a foot-spa at the car-boot sale in Rufforth. We got Mrs Abercrombie from next door, a keen gardener, to dig the footings for the three-hundred-foot legs and asked her to keep her eyes candidly peeled for telluric currents, and even though she thought we were giving her the recipe for a Dundee cake, she made a really good job of it.
The idea is that the dome vibrates with the telluric currents of the earth, picks up static electricity from the ionosphere, and then transmits it in wireless form. It was a bit tricky doing the sparky stuff, knowing that the earth was a charged body but not knowing its self-capacitance, but Mrs Abercrombie, using all her W.I. experience and a damp tea-towel, estimated it to be about 710 microfarads, so we went with that.
While not exactly free energy, it's certainly very cheap. We've found the ionosphere that surrounds the earth to be an inexhaustible storehouse of free energy, and we managed to pay off Mrs Abercrombie with a chocolate orange. We've contacted all the major power companies to tell them about it, but because it's free energy were producing, and can't be metered, there's no profit in it, so they're not interested. The bloke from N-Power freely admitted that it wasn't just the money thing, but it was also that free energy is a threat to the oil-based centralisation of the ruling elite, corporate power structure, and rather patronisingly recommended that we put it in for a prize at our next local craft show. It'd certainly give old Harry's bird-tables a run for their money.
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