my life as a artist
i cant stop loving ewe
Thursday 24th September 2009 10:22 PM
Despite all the current government warnings about it, I'm still doing it, and even if they make it illegal, I'll still do it, because love knows no fear. I laugh in the face of danger, especially when it's got a funny face or it's not very dangerous. Of course I'm talking about petting ruminants, not only a good name for a band, but an activity which, if it's mutually consenting and you both wash your hooves afterwards, can be very rewarding for both parties concerned.
Ruminants have got four stomachs, and even though that's one less than Gazza's mate, Jimmy 'Five Bellies', they fart and belch with equal vigour. Sheep, cows and goats are as well-informed on green issues as the next person, and in this time of global warming I'm sure that many of them are deeply embarrassed about the amount of methane they emit. They need some sort of reassurance, and I believe that the tender touch of a human hand on a ruminants flank can bring it comfort and a badly needed boost of self-esteem.
Of course the comfort doesn't only travel in one direction. When you're down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, possibly to update your CD collection, then the touch of a velveteen cow can be a bridge over troubled water. Obviously, not all ruminants are as soothing. Goats, for instance, can be very bristly and smell strongly of sock-cheese, but because they don't fart as much as sheep and cows, they're not as fraught with guilt and therefore less in need of therapeutic stroking.
Yesterday, on the 23rd of the 9th, 2009, I was listening to the World at One, (or was it sixes and sevens?), on Radio 4, in my four-stroke 1.8, doing 50 in third on the A19, and it just didn't add up. They were interviewing a Professor Eric Coli from the Ministry of Agriculture and Atrocity, who said that any loving contact with ruminants, even non-genital, could result in death for people with advanced heart disease or terminal cancer, and that all things, everywhere, should be disinfected with Omnicide.
Until we get love and empathy on the school curriculum, I'm afraid the education system's going to keep on turning out unfortunate souls like Eric. Unlike the ruminants he so despises, Eric is happily monogastric, and doesn't have a stomach like a fermentation vat, and therefore can't produce immense guffs of ozone-destroying methane, but by promoting this soulless brand of crude, spirit-killing reductionism, in his own way, he farts in the face of divinity.
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