my life as a artist
cheep winter food
Friday 22nd January 2010 11:34 PM
A couple of weeks ago, in light of the recent freeze-up, I decided to re-open the bird restaurant in the front garden, and to give it a more continental feel, I've re-named it 'Wazzo's'. I want it to be modern without being trendy and I've tried to give it a raffish, aristocratic air, so that it gets a good review in the Guardian. I've introduced some ambient willow, which provides atmosphere and extra seating, and hopefully, eventually, catkins, and as well as the usual two dangling feeders, one with sunflower seeds and the other with a millet, peanut and linseed melange, I've also introduced a daringly innovative yet reassuringly traditional table menu for the bigger birds. Today's 'spécialité du jour' is 'bread-maker-malfunction seed loaf' with a 'fruit and berry suet treat' served in a rat-proof cage.
Like the weather, business has been extremely brisk, and although this is partly due to a lack of competition, with many of the nature-based food outlets, like worms, being completely snowed under, I like to think that it's also due to the thrilling cuisine and the stimulating yet relaxed atmosphere that I'm told is unique to Wazzo's.
My newly extended customer-profile, besides having the common cor! great tits! now includes the less exclamatory and more genteel goldfinch, bullfinch and blackbird, and since I've been serving them beetles in with the mealworms, one of them, rather predictably, has taken to singing in the dead of night. The messy eating habits of the sparrows and chaffinches has created a very lively 'sous-table' scene, and even though the various diners include chickens, rats and shrews, thus far there's been no trouble.
Obviously, I enjoy the kudos and glamour of running a successful bird restaurant, who wouldn't, but the cut-throat world of avian cuisine is very demanding, and being sole proprietor of Wazzo's has entailed an immense amount of sheer hard graft, and, since feeding the blackbirds beetles, a lot of interrupted nights.
Creating dishes for our feathered friends is in many ways more onerous than cooking for humans, and requires a delicacy of touch that I suspect would be beyond most of our celebrity chefs. After watching Gordon Ramsey on Channel 4 this week, swanning around India, swearing at the locals, I was surprised at how unusually insensitive he was for a gay man.
As for Jamie Oliver, I'd worry that the delicate feet of some of the smaller birds might get gummed up in the tacky trap of his oleaginous faux mockney charm, while Heston Blumenthal would simply frighten the customers away. Yes, I feel that even the fiery, fearless, red breast of a plucky robin would pale at the thought of those foul and perverted recipes which writhe and twist through the dank tunnels of his tortured mind and are hell-born beneath the electro-chromed serving dish of his ghastly domed skull. Madhur Jaffrey could possibly make a go of it, but only if she went easy on the chillies.
Since the general thaw a few days ago, I'm relieved to say that Wazzo's has been much quieter, and I've been able to spend more quality time on crosswords and pottering. I'll miss the stark, exquisite beauty of the bold black, red and yellow of the blackbird and robin, that was so clear and true against the crisp, white snow, but it's good to be getting on with things again, and of course, even though it's still damp, it's good to touch the green, green grass of home.
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