my life as a artist
Apologies
Monday 26th February 2007 8:14 PM
Dear faithful reader(s), may I extend my deepest apologies for the recent state of non-bloggingness. ( I'm typing this in microsoft word and when I write 'non-bloggingness' I am chastised by an underlining red squiggle… well, wave on Bill Gates , I'm gonna do my own drop and die, I'm gonna wave my freak flag high….Play on Jimi! Type on Rory!
There I was on Valentines day morning, my body purring with magnetic love energy (generated by the furiously pumping pistons of my fabulous thighs), in my slippers, waiting for the postman. I'd cleared the table in preparation for the valentine card sorting and was just trimming my Jason King sideboards when I noticed a tap on the door. 'Must get a new plumber' I thought to myself.
It was the postman. He was wearing eye makeup. It was a Valentines day mascara. His sack was less than bulging and hung limply from his broad postman shoulders like a soft balloon or a withered breast. He reached into the sack, the rough kiss of hession brushing his shapely wrist, and pulled out a large pink envelope. He held me in the twin beams of his soulful stare, his strong deft hands caressing the soft pinkness of the taut manila envelope.
'Just the one this year, Mr Motion' he said, inappropriately brightly. 'It's from me and the gang down at the sorting office…cheers!
I spent the rest of the day doing the crossword. I finished it except for one down . 'Most powerful force in the universe obtained from confused vole'… four letters.. something O, something E…. It's a mystery.
On Sunday morning I played football for York Corinthians over 35's. We fought a noble nil-nil draw with Athletico Bishopthorpe. Although they had more chances than us and outpassed us in midfield we played with more compassion and sensitivity and displayed more wit and charm at the back.
In the afternoon I was abducted by aliens whilst walking through town. They beamed me aboard an extremely long silver spaceship and took me to the planet Wal-Tham-Stow. They put me in a room and made me play two forty-five minute sets and then applauded me. I was hoping they were going to perform sexual experiments on me but instead they just paid me and let me go. The next thing I knew I was on the midnight train to Southsea, with a pocketful of money and mild radiation sickness.
Disappointment in love and alien abduction are not in themselves adequate excuses for not blogging. These things are trivial inconsequentialities in the face of my devotion to you, dear reader(s). The reason I have not blogged is that my lap-top, in technical terms, went plonky-wonky-wibbly-bonkers. I gave it some spiritual healing with techniques learnt from my Totnes days and poured some Rescue Remedy in the rescue remedy hole, but it didn't seem to do the trick. I thought it might have got dirty, by having to share a scuzzy caravan with a hippy, so I washed it in a bowl of hot soapy water and gave it a rub down with some emery paper. It looked a bit shinier but, disconcertingly, it worked even less than before. Baffled, I contacted one of the finest minds of this or any other generation, the incredible Matthew Evans.
When I refer to Matthew as one of the finest minds of his generation this is in no way to detract from his fabulously taut and muscled body or the mysterious depths of his gentle yet powerful scorpionic soul. Computer wizard, five-a-side footballer, wine-taster, bad-taste joke connoisseur, Matthew has given to the English language the word 'polymatth'.
Matthew fixed it. A small sentence indeed. Three words that give no hint of the fearsome titanic struggle that took place in the fierce battle for blog availability. He worked for three days, naked, without sleep or food, in the back garden, in a barrel, in the pouring rain. He had to change the motherboard carburettor flange with only a spoon and a garden fork, up to his waist in fetid water, all the time under sniper fire from the disaffected chav from number sixty-two.
It's that sort of bravery, generosity of spirit and sheer stupidity that makes this blog possible. It's good to be back. Thanks Matthew……will this do?
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