my life as a artist
Windy
Tuesday 27th February 2007 8:25 PM
Yesterday morning I went with my mum to a windfarm in the North Yorkshire moors..We watched them sowing breezes and planting gales. I fear they'll reap a whirlwind. They let us play with this machine that steadied winds. It was disgusting. Had lunch in the café. I had sprout and artichoke soup with wholemeal bread and my mum had baked beans and lentils with six pints of Guiness. Then we went to the farm shop and bought some zephyrs and a couple of strong westerlies The westerlies were really fresh and my Mum said how nice it was to score some good blow for a change.
This morning we went to the car-boot sale in Rufforth. We arrived just as the sun was rising from his soft purple duvet of morning cloud, and spreading his breakfast of light on the green chequered tablecloth of North Yorkshire. Love was in the air and the fair of a thousand and one unwanted things was in full swing.
'Roll up my pretties! Roll up my pretties!' a man in a pork-pie hat was shouting.' Who'll give me 50p for this very rare video copy of 'The Full Monty'?'
'I will, good fellow!' cried a Scottish voice in the crowd. It was none other than Robert Carlyle! 'Will ye accept 40p for it ?' I heard him say to the man. When the man refused , Robert put on his Begbie face, and after a few seconds of jutting jaw and unblinking psychotic staring, the man agreed to accept 40p. I asked Robert what he was doing in the area and he told me he was making a psychological action thriller about car-boot sales… it was going to have Daniel Craig as a Blackspur Tool and cheap battery salesman and Dame Judy Dench as an old woman, and was going to be called 'Bargain.'
My Mum thought he was hassling me and motioned to stick the nut on him but stopped millimetres from his forehead .She held him with a fierce stare. The crowd around the stall went silent and all eyes locked on Robert and my Mum. Robert was trying his Begbie face again but my Mum was coming back at him with a sort of spurned Margaret Rutherford one.
'It's allright, Mum' I said, 'he's going to make a film with Dame Judy Dench, He was just telling me about it.'
My Mum relaxed her spurned Margaret Rutherford face into a slightly chiding Wendy Craig one and moved it away from Robert's. A few years ago Judy Dench's brother had been our family doctor and my Mum had thought he was a very very nice man. Any friend of Dame Judy's was a friend of hers, she said. Robert looked relieved and when my Mum gave him some of her biscuits by way of an apology he nearly smiled.
'You're a very feisty old lady' Robert said to my Mum. 'Yes,' she said 'I know…I'm well 'ard!'
Comments
Your mum's changed a bit since I last saw her. Is she safe to meet?
Posted by Kev , on Thursday 1st March 2007, 5:58 PM
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