x marks the spot

Friday 7th May 2010 12:29 AM

ELECTION SPECIAL

This morning I went out to exercise my franchise, and because it can sometimes be a dirty business, I took a little plastic bag with me. Over the last few weeks, while the many have feasted on the fast meat of the manifestly many-fisted, money-fest manifestos of the mainstream parties, there's a few of us who have elected to sample the simple salad and slow cheeseboard of the political fringe parties.

I've been drawn to two parties in particular, the 'It's my and I'll cry if I want to' party, and the Magic Mushroom party. Even though both of them lack strong fiscal policies or any sort of coherent defence strategy, they've both got pluck and charm in abundance, and I think a vote for either of them, while being futile, would also be a vote for real change, and as someone who's done a lot of busking in his time, I've never been frightened of change.

However, when I got to the polling station, I found the sword of my discernment suddenly and strangely sharpened, probably due to it being tempered in the white heat of suffrage, and then hammered with a really big hammer on the anvil of democracy. Amidst the bloody battle for the future of Britain, in that polling booth of destiny, as I butchered the mercenaries of falsehood with my newly-honed weapon of truth, I began to realise that my previous bonds of trust with the minority parties had been sadly misplaced, and so, in a last-second, heat of the moment, change of heart, I decided to vote for myself. I wrote my name at the bottom of the ballot paper, put a cross next to it, and then went home to prepare for government.

So pessimistic am I about my chances of getting a workable majority, instead of preparing for government, I actually went to B&Q and bought a sheet of corrugated plastic to mend the conservatory roof with. If I do happen to wake up in power tomorrow morning, I'm aware that every aspect of my past private life will come under intense media scrutiny, so while I was in the shop I bought everything I needed to make a Sun-proof closet for keeping skeletons in. To be honest, I'm more excited about if I've successfully mended the roof or not, but I won't find that out until it rains.