my life as a artist
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the aisles of silly
Sunday 10th June 2007 6:38 PM
This morning went to the car-boot sale at the racecourse with my mum, who bought two singing stuffed toy animals. One was Miss Piggy, but with purple hair extensions, ( which, to be honest, made her look a bit cheap), singing 'I will survive' in the style of Gloria Gaynor. The other was a frog, not Kermit, doing 'Wonderful World' by Louis Armstrong, with a very impressive lip tremble at the end. Both of them made me realise how far I'd come from those lost days of innocence and longing, when the soundtrack to my life was Billy Bass the singing fish.
I bought a sofa (that was slim enough to go through the caravan door) for a tenner, from this bloke who said he was a time-lord. He said he'd only bought the sofa next year and he'd hardly used it, and it was no problem to deliver it. He had a Time And Relative Dimension In Space machine, in the form of a 1982 Fiat Uno, which he said was surprisingly roomy in the back. I told him I was in all day last Thursday, so why didn't he deliver it then?
Me and my mum went halves on a two-for-one deal on seventeen cherry plum tomatoes, while I went whole on a one-for-one deal on twenty-three locally grown strawberries. Triumphant in the knowledge that we had bought forty pieces of red food for less than seven pence an item, we strode confidently on, my mothers proud bosom like the prow of an ice-breaker, cracking a savage zig-zag path through an undiscovered continent of bargains.
I paid two quid for a dark brown candlewick bedspread, to use as a throw for the sofa I got delivered last Thursday. Brown is a very underrated colour. Most basic life-sustaining stuff seems to be brown, like bread, rice, tea, Austin Maxis, monks, porrage, wood and soil, but exciting things come in brown as well, such as coffee, chocolate, whiskey, cannabis, beer and souped-up Austin Maxis. I don't know much about interior fashion but I think brown could be the new red.
I bought a buff coloured pair of 80% linen trousers from a Frenchman called Jean Paul. As I tried to haggle him down to a pound, our exchanges started taking a metaphysical turn, and before long I found myself outlining the plot of a novel about a pair of buff 80% linen trousers and an explosive secret that could rock the Catholic church to it's foundations.
After a brief lunch of brie and rocket salad with 'tarte au pomme' for afters, washed down with an arrogantly fruity Bordeaux claret, we discussed the price of the trousers over a keenly fought but friendly game of boules. I let him win the boules and he sold me the trousers for a pound.
As me and my mum, laden with two score of red fruit and bedspreads besides, made our weary way back to the car, we noticed the time-lord who'd sold me the sofa, sitting in a red 1982 Fiat Uno. He was reading a book and I could just make out the title and author. It was 'La mystere du pantalons crème' by Jean Paul Scribbleur. The next thing I heard was three enormously loud electronic trumpetings, as the Fiat Uno shimmered and faded, and ultimately disappeared, into the mute mystery of another dimension, hopefully, with my sofa.
When we got back to my mum's, I tried on the buff trousers (they're a little too long) and then we ate red food and listened to Miss Piggy and the generic 3-D cartoon frog do their thing. It's a wonderful world, and I will survive.
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Posted by shrink packaging machine , on Saturday 8th December 2007, 7:15 PM
Also, why do say that tomatoes are red? I have grown tomatoes for years and all mine are brown or black shrivelled little fruits covered in creeping things, almost like little Earths, a veritable Solar System, or Solanum System. But that's organic ga
Posted by Les Miserable , on Wednesday 13th June 2007, 9:30 PM
Liked the blog and its general content, but was very disappointed to find that from a very experienced and exceptionally old "poet" with an understanding of language, its forms and rules that you fell into the trap of apostrophising "its&qu
Posted by martin casserole , on Wednesday 13th June 2007, 8:16 PM
Liked the blog and its general content, but was very disappointed to find that from a very experienced and exceptionally old "poet" with an understanding of language, its forms and rules that you fell into the trap of apostrophising "its&qu
Posted by martin casserole , on Wednesday 13th June 2007, 8:01 PM
I must take issue with your statements on brown items. What about WHITE bread, WHITE rice , GREEN tea, CAPUCHIN monks etc. etc. Also, my dad had an Austin Maxi and it was RED, although it was crap, which is brown.
Posted by Les Miserable , on Wednesday 13th June 2007, 1:07 PM
I called last year with the sofa, but apparently you were living on a boat then.
You might have told me.
Posted by The Timelord , on Monday 11th June 2007, 1:10 PM
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