my life as a artist
bang
Tuesday 13th November 2007 11:33 PM
This morning, when I went to the newsagents to buy a kilo of Guardian, Greg-behind-the-counter was having a heated debate with Mrs Blackmore, about the big bang theory. Greg, who's a big man, (and generally prone to largeness), was getting quite red in the face, and had started inter-fucking-spersing words with profanities.
Mrs Blackmore, a leathery, hard-faced woman in her late seventies, was not intimidated, and besides enthusiastically positing that the cosmos was the result of a big bang, fifteen billion years ago, she was also demanding her copy of the Daily Mail and a walnut whip, in a fierce, phlegmy, high-pitched, rattling voice, not unlike the sound a two-stroke motorbike being thrashed around the estate.
Although enjoying the smell of burnt oil, and the cut and thrust of conflicting creation myths, I was getting impatient to make my purchase. The Guardian was getting so heavy that I'd already had to jettison Work and Money.
'Excuse me' I said, in my calmest voice, 'My mum says that the laws of angular momentum prove that the universe is isotropic'
There was a brief silence. 'Why didn't you say so before, young man?' said Mrs Blackmore, her voice softening, and her now smiling, leathery face twinkling. As she left the shop she said 'Bang goes my theory!' and laughed.
Afterwards, Greg was so grateful that he said I could flick through the sports section of the Yorkshire Post without having to buy it, to see if there was anything about Huddersfield Town. Before I left, he asked me for some advice about his hair. At the moment he wears it very close cropped, like a Russian weightlifter, and he said that he'd been thinking of having a different style, something that was softer and spoke more of his inner feminine.
I suggested that he grow it longer, and have a power bob, like Anna Wintour, the legendary US editor of Vogue magazine. His eyes shone as I showed him an example from the fashion section of the Guardian. 'It's a lot of maintenance, but I think it'd really suit you.' I said, leaving him the section to look at later. By the time I left, the Guardian was manageable enough to carry home.
In the interests of social critique, over a saucer of soya milk, I read the Charlie Booker column. I recently heard him introduced on a radio 4 programme as 'the cleverest person that Ian Hislop's says he's ever sat next to.' Greg says that the laws of angular momentum prove that the uni-shagging-verse is iso-fucking-tropic.
Comments
Abso-<a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tmesis">Tmesis</a>-Lutely!
Posted by Tom , on Thursday 15th November 2007, 8:46 AM
I can't believe Ian Hislop made that stupid remark about Charlie Booker - I've actually seen him on the telly sitting next to Neil and Christine Hamilton - BOTH of them!
Posted by Steve , on Wednesday 14th November 2007, 8:00 AM
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