my life as a artist
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no girls allowed
Thursday 3rd January 2008 11:13 PM
When I was at junior school, one of my mates was a German boy called Joe Ratzinger, commonly known as Ratty. Every break-time, me, Ratty and a few others would form a human chain, and walk around the playground, shouting for people to join in our game. 'Who wants to play at Abrahamic religions? No girls allowed!' we'd cry, our voices giddy with monotheism.
I always preferred playing at the newer Abrahamic religions, like Bahai and Rastafarianism, but when Ratty was there we had to play at Roman Catholicism, otherwise he'd threaten us all with Chinese wrist-burns. I'd usually be a cardinal, in charge of the inquisition, say, whereas Ratty would, infallibly, be the Pope.
Even at that tender age, he was a stickler for orthodoxy. I remember one playtime, trying to introduce elements of Rastafarianism into the Catholic doctrine, that involved smoking loads of dope and then feeling guilty about it, and he was so outraged, that he ex-communicated me until the end of break-time.
Imagine my surprise this week, then, when I saw Ratty's cheeky little face poking out of an article on the inside pages of The Times. It seems that our page three stunner has changed his name to Benedict XVI and is doing the pope thing for real! Despite the fact that he was wearing an extravagantly pointed hat that made him look a bit like a Mesopotamian fish-god, he was easily recognisable, although I did notice that since junior school days, his once adorable, puppy-dog eyes had narrowed somewhat.
Apparently, Ratty has been saying that rather than being a religious symbol to galvanise the faithful, hell is actually a real place, where people really do burn forever in the agonising flames of eternal damnation. Even in the playground, he always did make me feel a bit wishy-washy.
It's a shame that Ratty is now a declared celibate, because I honestly think that the love of a good woman could really loosen him up. Next time we meet at the 'friends reunited' bash, if he's up for it, I'm going to suggest a game of kiss chase, with girls allowed. Sometimes, pontiff's just wanna have some fun.
Comments
You'll be laughing on the other side of your face, Sonny Jim, when you're down in Hell with a red-hot poker up your bum.Probably.
Posted by Steve , on Saturday 5th January 2008, 10:34 PM
that was, of course, rock on Chavez!
Posted by Hippy out of the Horn , on Friday 4th January 2008, 10:45 AM
Thank you for saying it. The only bit that's not funny is that the Pope really did say that...I don't think Jesus would agree...but then Ratty was the one who oversaw the attempts to kill off Liberation Theology in Central America,,, rock on Cha
Posted by Hippy out of the Horn , on Friday 4th January 2008, 10:39 AM
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