my life as a artist
bye bye bo diddley and jimmy mcgriff
Thursday 5th June 2008 10:39 PM
Willie Wordsworth once said to a daffodil, 'Our meddling intellect misshapes the beauteous form of things. We murder to dissect.' Dorothy, his Dictaphone sister, who recorded these words, noted that the daffodil nodded in agreement. Aldous Huxley, many years later, wearing sensible trousers but refreshed by mescalin, said that intellect without goodwill can become monstrous, whereas goodwill without intellect is either ineffectual or misguided. A few years later, (about 15% of the previously stated 'many years'), Ian Dury opined that, 'There aint half been some clever bastards, lucky bleeders, lucky bleeders.'
After a fortunate find at the car boot sale on Sunday, and a frank and open discussion with my imaginary bank manager, I've opened a chain of bird-restaurants in the garden. Two of them are called 'Just Peanuts', and are greasy-spoon type places, frequented by skint chaffinches and hung-over tits. They're cheap, but because of the tightness of the mesh, the service isn't very good, and I think the words got around.
The third one, however, is a bit more up-market, and much more successful. It serves mixed seeds and has individual perching for eight. It mainly caters for the smaller, more discerning bird, (the striking, but vulgarly loud woodpecker, always dining at a branch of 'Just Peanuts'). On the first day I called it 'The Fat Duck', but after a solicitors letter from Heston Blumenthal have changed it to 'Ooh Get You Duck'.
I'm disappointed and shocked by Heston's attitude, having been round to his house for lunch only last week, (Surprisingly, he made us beans on toast. Even more surprisingly, he made it out of a kilo of artichokes and a copy of The Guardian), so I've written to him and barred him from 'The Ooh Get You Duck', along with all his fancy-dan mates. If I get up one morning, and find Jamie Oliver, Gordon Ramsey, Antony 'what-about-a-water-bottle' Worrall Thompson and Heston, dangling from my flagship restaurant, I'll shoo them off. Although it'd be quite prestigious to have so many celebrated, culinary arses, eating in one of my restaurants, it's the principal of the thing. If they're really hungry, they can eat at 'Just Peanuts'.
Comments
Unless you are into choking tit chicks, thereby opening up a panoply of interpretations.
By the way, are franchises available in other areas for Just Peanuts ? I'm afraid we are too down market for Get You Duck.
Posted by Sparrow Agnew , on Tuesday 10th June 2008, 11:32 AM
Also, Bill Oddie said don't put peanuts out for Tits at this time, their chicks choke on them (seriously).
Posted by Les Miserable , on Saturday 7th June 2008, 2:04 PM
You missed out Hugh Fearlessly- Eatsitall in your list.
Posted by Les Miserable , on Saturday 7th June 2008, 2:01 PM
What I meant to say before I was so rudely cut off was are hung over tits the same as spaniels ears?
Posted by John (aka Jonault aka Jono) , on Friday 6th June 2008, 8:11 PM
Heston could only manage beans on toast! That's very 'Just peanuts'. I'd have offered you roasted Haricot beans in a sweet tomato sauce on char-grilled bread. Far more 'Ooh get you duck'.
Are hung over tits the same as spa
Posted by John (aka Jonault aka Jono) , on Friday 6th June 2008, 8:05 PM
I once read a haiku that had "cheeky birdfood seller", " big tits" and "love my fat balls" in but can't for the life of me remember how it went...
You do the poetry...
Posted by Tom Smith , on Friday 6th June 2008, 7:59 PM
i had a pair of 'hung over tits' in my cafe last week too.. one of them crapped on the environmental health man..catering eh...!!
Posted by stevla , on Thursday 5th June 2008, 10:56 PM
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